A Couples Therapist in San Francisco Explains Sliding vs. Deciding in Cohabitation
In 2021, living with a partner (before, or instead of marriage) is pretty much the norm. It is well known at this point that marriage rates are on the decline. And millennials are famously waiting longer to marry. In contrast, the number of adults who have cohabited with a romantic partner has increased. Some research suggests that in the last two decades, cohabitation among females has increased as much as 82%.
It should come as no surprise then that attitudes around cohabitation have also changed drastically. When surveyed, almost half of U.S. adults (48%) believe that couples who live together before marriage have a better chance of a successful marriage. In comparison, only about 13% predict cohabitation will lead to a less successful marriage. Despite drastic changes in the behavior and attitude toward cohabitation, it is still inconclusive whether living together correlates to more successful long-term relationships.
Differences Among Couples’ Satisfaction
Trust and commitment tend to be higher among individuals who marry versus those who cohabitate. Married adults are about 10% more likely to express that things are “going very well” in their relationship. They also express higher levels of satisfaction with specific aspects of their relationship. These aspects include the division of labor, work-life balance, and communication. However, some studies suggest that living together prior to marriage is predictive of a more satisfactory first year of marriage.
These changes have produced more heterogeneity within committed romantic relationships. Many couples follow the common practices of previous generations: marrying, sharing residence, then having children. Some see living together as a precursor to marriage and others live together with no intention of ever entering into the marriage. And still, others may choose to live together as their most convenient option. This heterogeneity makes it difficult to accurately answer the question of whether cohabitation is more or less predictive of marital satisfaction. Regardless, the conversation has given rise to an interesting theory.
Sliding vs. Deciding in Couples
Stanley and Rhoades stated that a notable difference between cohabitation and marriage is what they deemed the “Sliding vs. Deciding Theory.” They suggested that some couples slide into relationship transitions, while others make intentional relationship decisions (i.e., decide). It is their belief that the couples in the latter category fare better. The more intentional you are about your relationship decisions the more likely you are to achieve long-term success.
So how does this connect to the cohabitation vs. marriage debate? When married and cohabiting adults were asked to provide explanations for their relationship decisions, reasons such as “it made sense financially” or “it was convenient” were 25% more likely among cohabiting couples than married couples. Other data collected suggests that while not all marriages are built the same, there tends to be more similarity in the reason people choose to get married.
This suggests that attitudes toward marriage may fall more on the “decide” end of the spectrum, while attitudes toward cohabitation may trend toward a “sliding” attitude. Couples who “end up” living together because of logistical reasons or convenience may encounter what Scott Stanley calls an “inertia problem." This means the couples may stay together simply because once you’re living together, it is harder to break up.
Cohabitation vs. Marriage
Without more control over people’s life circumstances, it is difficult to definitively state if one sequence of events is more likely to lead to relationship success than another. Depending on who you ask or how the research was done, there are arguments to support many paths. But the why or how you make your relationship decisions could be a much more useful question. It is consistent with what leading experts know about what makes relationships last long term.
John Gottman calls the intentional goals, values, and dreams that you share in your relationship “shared meaning.” This is one of his “Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work.” Esther Perel suggests that being intentional about how much time, space, and patience you invest in your relationship can help build more realistic and sustainable expectations. In “Wired for Love,” Stan Tatkin suggests that a major component to long-term relationship satisfaction is intentionally creating a relationship bubble. Further, Tatkin finds it important to prioritize your relationship values even after the initial dopamine rush wears off.
Regardless of the outcome, intentionality about major relationship decisions tends to build more trust and stability. It also tends to decrease the risk for resentment later on. As is often the case with big relationship decisions, rather than ask what you should do, it may be more beneficial to figure out (as a team) what you want to do. Then, go after it with intention.
Couples Therapy in San Francisco, CA Can Help
Although many partners assume that couples therapy is only for married couples, that’s far from true. Couples therapy is a place for couples of any kind can come to create connections and problem-solve together. Our inclusive couples therapists are welcoming and open to any and all partnerships. Whether you are on the path toward marriage or want to discuss cohabitation before making the leap, we can help. Couples therapy in San Francisco, CA can be the extra support your relationship needs while you discuss some big life changes. To get started with couples therapy at our San Francisco-based counseling center, or online in California, please schedule a free 20-minute consultation call.
Other Therapy Services at California Integrative Counseling Center
Yes, our therapists are skilled to work with couples, but they are also experienced in working with individuals, too! Our team specializes in ADHD treatment and help for rejection-sensitive dysporia and therapy for life transitions. All of our therapy services are available at our office located in San Francisco, CA, or throughout the state of California using online therapy.
References
U.S. Marriage Rate Hits Historic Low. Gaby Galvin. April 29, 2020. https://www.usnews.com/news/healthiest-communities/articles/2020-04-29/us-marriage-rate-drops-to-record-low#:~:text=The%20U.S.%20marriage%20rate%20reached,spanning%20more%20than%20a%20century.&text=The%20marriage%20rate%20fluctuated%20for,7%20per%201%2C000%20through%202017
Trends in Cohabitation: Over 20 Years of change 1987-2010. National Center for Family & Marriage Research. Wendy D. Manning. https://www.bgsu.edu/content/dam/BGSU/college-of-arts-and-sciences/NCFMR/documents/FP/FP-13-12.pdf
Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S. Pew Research Center. (Horowitz, Graf & Livingston). November 6, 2019. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/
Before “I Do” What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults?, Galena K. Rhoades and Scott M. Stanley, The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/blog/resources/before-i-do-2/
Cohabitation Experience and Cohabitation's Association With Marital Dissolution (Rosenfeld & Roesler). 24 September 2018. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jomf.12530
Cohabitation is Pervasive. Institute for Family Studies. Stanley & Rhoades. June 20, 2018. https://ifstudies.org/blog/cohabitation-is-pervasive
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