My Child Just Got Diagnosed With ADHD. Do I Have It, Too?
Deep down, you know that you’re a good parent. But if you realize you forgot the date of your daughter’s parent teacher conference, forgot to sign a field trip permission slip, or left your son’s water bottle somewhere again, it may feel extremely humiliating. Never mind the house being in a constant state of disarray, toys everywhere, dishes in the sink, and laundry to do — you may look around and think to yourself, “How did I let things get this bad?”
Instead of saying, “Maybe I’m a parent with undiagnosed ADHD,” you may have been berating yourself for being a “bad” parent. The societal expectation is that in addition to being a parent, you’re also the Chef, the Maid, the Chauffeur, the House Manager, and the Daily Planner. Somewhere in there you may be expected to be a spouse as well.
When you’re a parent, you’re expected to create some semblance of structure every day. A routine to get everyone fed, out the door, picked up, and shuffled off to the next place. You’re supposed to remember doctor’s appointments, sports practices, and other commitments at the drop of a hat. Not to mention the small feat of keeping your children safe and healthy while also making them feel loved.
You have to manage all of that… on top of your own career and mental health.
And doing it all can feel impossible sometimes. Maybe even all of the time.
And then your child gets diagnosed with ADHD. You begin to learn about the differences between brains with ADHD and those without it.
You may start to recognize yourself in some of the shared traits while learning about your child’s ADHD. You do a deep dive on the internet and start to realize that other parents’ struggles are similar to your own.
Then a lightbulb goes off in your mind and you begin to wonder… What if I have ADHD, too?
It’s more common than you may think — a parent realizes they have ADHD after their child is diagnosed.
It’s true that mothers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression than ADHD when they talk about feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. This is an unfortunate outcome of ADHD presenting differently in women than in men.
Because women and girls tend to have inattentive symptoms of ADHD, which often do not disrupt a classroom or a similar setting, they may go undiagnosed for years. (Primarily inattentive ADHD was formerly known as ADD.)
But when you find out your child has ADHD, you may begin to connect the dots for yourself. You may finally have the language to describe your own difficulties. And you may finally be able to advocate for your own mental health needs and get evaluated to determine whether or not you do have ADHD.
While you may also struggle with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and overwhelm, these outcomes may all be related to your undiagnosed ADHD. You may have accumulated negative beliefs about yourself over a lifetime while trying to cope without the proper skills, knowledge, or support to do so.
Is ADHD hereditary or environmental?
ADHD tends to run in families, and studies show that ADHD heritability is about 80%. Twin, adoption, family, and molecular genetic studies consistently indicate ADHD’s heritability, with percentages ranging from 75% to 91%.
So if your child was recently diagnosed with ADHD and the struggles feel all too familiar, it may be time for you to get evaluated, too. You may, in fact, be a parent who is struggling with undiagnosed ADHD.
While social environment is not the cause of ADHD, it can play a role in how children and parents cope with their ADHD and whether or not a comorbid disorder like anxiety and depression will develop alongside it.
If your child has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, and if you think you have it too — please understand that this is not a reflection of you doing a bad job. You may just be a parent with undiagnosed ADHD, in need of additional support.
With the right tools and resources, you and your children can thrive with neurodiversity in your home. You just have to learn different strategies to parent your child(ren) with ADHD while also managing your own.
Parenting with undiagnosed ADHD
There’s no question — parenting can be demanding and tiresome. And if you have ADHD, the challenges that come with parenting can feel insurmountable. How are you supposed to raise a happy, well-adjusted, resilient child when you often feel like managing your own life is impossible?
While parenting can be tremendously rewarding, there are also times when it’s tremendously difficult. And if you’re a parent with diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD, you may need additional support.
You will have unique struggles as a parent with ADHD. You can develop healthy coping skills. You can learn to meet your child’s needs while living with ADHD. And you can find support, either in the form of “Parenting with ADHD” coaching, classes, or groups. Parenting with ADHD may take additional tools and resources, but you can definitely do it.
So take a deep breath, give yourself some grace, and appreciate the uphill battle you’ve been facing as a parent with undiagnosed ADHD.
“I thought I had character flaws… Not ADHD”
Does this sound familiar?
Have you been kicking yourself your whole life for being impulsive, distractible, or just plain “spacey”?
Maybe you just thought you were forgetful or even less intelligent than your peers.
I can’t tell you how often I see people with undiagnosed ADHD suffering in silence. They believe their ADHD-related difficulties are actually character flaws.
But now that your child has been diagnosed, you may have a new lens through which you can look at your own difficulties. You can finally say, “Wow, I think my issues may be related to undiagnosed ADHD.”
Consider these tools if you’re a parent and think that you might have ADHD:
A professional evaluation to determine whether you have ADHD or not
ADHD parenting classes
ADHD support groups
ADHD coaching
Therapy for adult ADHD
Medication for ADHD
Cultivating an emotional regulation or meditation practice
ADHD isn’t a behavioral disorder or diagnosis. It’s a neurological condition. With the right tools and support, you can learn to embrace your neurodiversity and thrive with ADHD.
Are You a Parent With Undiagnosed ADHD?
If your child was recently diagnosed with ADHD and you suspect you may have it too, our highly trained clinicians can help you navigate this complex diagnosis. At California Integrative Counseling Center, we offer adult ADHD treatment in San Francisco. If you’re in the Bay Area, you’re welcome to visit our office in the city, or if you reside elsewhere in California, we offer online therapy. Please feel free to schedule a free 20-minute consultation call and we will get in contact to see if our services are a good fit for you.
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